Violet Lim is the best matchmaker in Singapore, JB, and, some say, Batam. The CEO and Co-Founder of Singapore matchmaking agency, Lunch Actually, started her company in 2004 with her then fiancé and now husband Jamie Lee. After coming across the concept of lunch dating for busy professional who have no time to date, Lim left her day job at Citibank and they set upon a mission to help singles find lifelong happiness. More than two decades on, Lunch Actually has successfully arranged more than 150,000 dates and brought together more than 4,500 successful and married couples.
The Malaysian-born Singaporean explained that Lunch Actually (yes, their name is inspired by her favourite movie Love Actually) offers a holistic and comprehensive approach comprising matchmaking, date coaching, and image coaching services. “We realised that it’s not about meeting the ‘right one’; it’s about being the ‘right one’. Curiously, people who are less successful in love are already the ‘right one’, with the right mindset and skillset. Our coaching helps them to see their blind spots, which may just need a small tweak,” she said.
Lunch Actually is now Asia’s biggest lunch dating company, with a regional presence in six locations: Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Hong Kong, Jakarta, Bangkok, and Taipei, helping clients across Asia to find love.
Lim is happily married and is mother of two teenagers. Armed with a master’s degree in Personnel Management from The London School of Economics and Political Science, she has authored a book on dating and is the resident dating expert on Class 95 FM, Singapore’s most listened to English radio station. As a sought-after speaker, she has spoken at TEDxNTU (Nanyang Technological University), appeared as a dating guru on TV network TLC’s dating show Travel for Love, and was the first Asian to be certified by the Matchmaking Institute in New York City.
Can you elaborate more on how Lunch Actually helps your clients?
One client we had would wear avant-garde outfits for her dates and we helped her to realise that she should wear romantic dresses instead, which she already had in her wardrobe. Another thing is that our coaches work with clients after each date and use anonymous feedback to help them improve.
What are some misconceptions people have about using dating agencies compared to free platforms or apps?
People join us for different reasons, not because they aren’t a catch or can’t find someone on their own. Many are professionals who would rather outsource the task to other professionals rather than waste their precious time swiping on a dating app. There are also people who are in professions that are heavily centric on one gender, like engineering, which are mostly males. People may compare our prices with dating apps that cost maybe S$40 dollars, but that may take months, which adds up, and they are very much self-service, as opposed to ours, where everything is done for you.
What has been the most romantic thing your husband has done for you?
Once, my husband bought all of my favourite hawker food, which I really enjoy, and we had a picnic at the beach. He also always tries to choose flowers with violets in them.
Which is your favourite couple, living or fictional?
Lee Kuan Yew, the founding Prime Minister of Singapore, and his wife Kwa Geok Choo, who did better than him in some exams and she piqued his interest as “the one who beat me”. I think it was really a meeting of the minds as opposed to stereotypical Western romances.
For those who can’t make it from texting to a date. What should they do differently?
I’m a believer of not spending too much time on texting. Instead of constantly saying good morning, look at their profile and find topics to make them realise that you are paying attention.
How can I balance being myself with the desire to impress someone?
Going on a first date is like going on a job interview. You want to be the best version of yourself without going overboard because it’s something you can’t maintain over time.
How can we balance our personal independence and time with a partner?
I think it’s a personal preference, but there needs to be an awareness that one should develop their own hobbies, have their own friend circles, and more.
Managing each other’s parents is always tricky. What advice do you have for respecting the other’s parents and your partner while having healthy boundaries at the same time?
What to remember is, growing up in a household, our parents do things a certain way and, obviously, our in-laws do things another way, and there’s no right or wrong. Also, choose your battles, because you don’t have to win in every issue against them. The main thing to keep in mind is, without your in-laws, your loved one wouldn’t exist.
How should couples best manage conflict?
Fights are inevitable but it’s about how couples should fight. Dr. John Gottman, a well-known couples’ therapist, identified four key behaviours that can predict the end of relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
What is one piece of love advice you would give your own children?
As cliché as it sounds, marry your best friend. Attraction always fizzles off but you need emotional and intellectual connections.
What are some must-ask questions on the first date?
You don’t want to be too intense and scare people off, but try to get an insight as to what drives this person to find out if you want to know them better.
How can a couple achieve better understanding of each other in a relationship or in marriage?
Men and women are very much different species, so I encourage people to read different books, such as Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray and Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel. I also suggest that couples find out what their 5 Love Languages are, which is how to receive and express love. It’s different for each individual.
What are some Valentine’s Day gifts you’d recommend for couples?
Put some thought into the gift in accordance to the person’s 5 Love Languages to make it more meaningful. For example, if your partner’s love language is gifts and they’re into running, get them a pair of sport shoes or sign them up for a gym. If theirs is about quality time, create a voucher for them to claim your time to go running with them.
